Things are going great.

Except for one thing.

Me.

I feel if I were a friend to myself I'd be so annoyed with me. And I'm pretty sure that everyone else who isn't my friend is sick of me. I wasn't the star, just a reflection. I wasn't the diamond, I was the plain rock. It seems like a travesty that anyone might think otherwise. I can't believe it's real. At this point of time, it's improbable.

I am falling, down the side of a cliff and it's not a pretty sight. It's the horrible bumping and scraping of hard edges and rough surfaces. I am embarrassed at what I have become. What I can't seem to do. What I can't seem to start doing. My resolutions are crumbling. And all I can do is yawn and look outside. It's so stuffy in here.

I love boys.

I can't help it, I won't deny it,
I love boys, no doubt about it,
Boys with cars, with cool motorcycles,
Boys that could drve like the devil,
Boys with muscles, with great smiles,
Boys that make me laugh out loud,
Boys who read,
Boys who are smart,
Boys who are kind,
Boys who care,
Boys with strength and independence,
Boys who are my friends, confidente's.

Oh what trouble they are,
These boys shining and true,
They stole my heart and made me confused,
They love, just not the way I love them,
They break my heart without doing anything,
They don't seem to see my heart in my eyes,
It's embarressing,
I want to be near them more than they know.

In a world for a quest of hearts and lovers,
It's hard to not really care,
When you are alive, alone, unwanted,
Uncared for, Incomplete,
I dream for a soulmate, One who stands by my side,
Some boy that would hold my hand and step astride.
I dream for happiness, whenever it comes,
I dream for peace from this torment of boys.

I believe you have read the weird crap we wrote. You called for honesty and accuracy, the gritty details of our emotions. Thus I in turn am curious.Pardon me, may I be be privy to the private parts of your mind? As our ultimate reader, judge, assessor, what do you think when you read us? What do you think of me?

It's not my fault, or anyone's fault, that I am constantly in the sidelines peering hungrily in the bright windows for a moment. It's not my fault, or anyone's fault, that I'm always alone and wishing that there was something I could do to not feel it so much. It's nobody's fault that I am not in their crowd. But it's just hard not to feel anything, when people are out there having fun and you're not.

When my own friends are too far away, when we have done our piece of fun and we go back to our respective places, when there is a reprieve, a lull, a break from each other, I find myself going crazy with boredom. I find myself craving for more friends, more connections. I find myself in my room desperately looking through everywhere and nowhere for something else to keep me happy. Material things, my own mind, can't take it. I just can't be alone anymore. That's when I go out by myself and do crazy things. Thats when I look at the rain, constantly, and just stand there and feel and feel. (Because I have nothing else.) I try and stuff the hollowness in my life with stories. But there is just so much to fill. I get tired.

Then there is Facebook. Facebook is where I find out things. About people that go out together and connect. They share amazing experiences together. They are together. I hunger for the connection. I want the fun. I want to be in their photo's. I want to be part of it. But I'm not. I'm like a voyeur with my peeping at their moments. It's like looking at the popular kids and being envious. It's like looking at rich people and being envious. It's like looking at a team and being envious. It stabs and it hurts and it's irrational and selfish. I should stop. Stop it at once.

Even my closest friends they have other circles, other bonds. And I seem to only have them. No one else seems to have this gaping hole in their lives. No one cares less about their phones. Because no one calls. No one sms's. My phone is so silent it might as well have been dead.

I should always face it. It is who I am. An outsider. A loner. I don't know why I ended up this way. It could be rationalized and strategized. People may not like me. I might not be friendly enough. I may not have created an impression. I may have not made you care. But now I'm just trying to accept it as it is. It's not going to change anytime soon. It's not my fault, it's not anyone's fault. It just is.

I just wish it didn't hurt. I just wish it didn't vex me so much when I'm not invited, or no one calls. I wish I could be high all the time. I wish I could just be happy being alone. So I don't feel like I need to constantly search, constantly reach out, constantly want to be part of the group. Or feel so desperate and sad all the time.

The insufferable need for human connection. Like a babe that cannot leave his mothers side, I pine for human connection. Especially every time I think of the life I'm treading, alone and in my mind. I stretch out for human contact, for human connection. And I fear that is becoming all the time. I resist, I musn't irritate my friends. And the fact is, I'm going to have to be alone for a long long time. Maybe even forever. And when I think of it (I know is) all my mind is filled is with despair.

From Here.

You are the sort of person that needs a peaceful environment. You seek release from stress and freedom from conflicts and disagreements, of which you seem to have had more than your fair share. But you are taking pains to control the situation by proceeding cautiously and you are right in doing so as you are a very sensitive person.

You are feeling very vulnerable at this time. Nothing seems to be going in the right direction - business wise, private-life wise, everything. You need some emotional security and an environment which could possibly provide fewer problems, but the way you are feeling you can't be bothered even to make the effort.

Many people will consider you egotistical and full of your own self importance. On the surface you could well give this impression and perhaps the reason for this complacent attitude is because at times you indeed have that 'short fuse' and are quick to take offence.

The unwanted situation in which you presently find yourself is causing you considerable stress and frustration and your feeling is that whatever you try to do to remedy this is to no avail. You feel trapped. You want to get away from it all as you feel that you are banging your head against a brick wall getting nowhere. You have turned your aggression inwards and you are furious with yourself for not being able to achieve your goals. You need to go away, somewhere where there are less restrictions and where you can be free to make your own decisions.

You are completely worn out and you are not in the mood for any further demands on your resources. The situation - such as it is - has rendered you quite helpless, unable to continue the mental battle that you have been pursuing for some considerable time. Enough is enough. All you would like to do now would be to have some time for yourself, to find a peaceful situation where you can recuperate in your own time.

A few days after MyLDS, and all I feel is disjointed. As if there's is something seriously wrong with me. Like the most fucked up thing in the world is me. I feel like I'm being pulled and stretched. I feel like my holes of weaknesses enlarge and depress themselves into me. I feel like my secret fortess has been torn down and I as the corpulent mass within it shake with cold and fear and helplessness. There is an expectation of death, of being crushed by a heel. A mass of confusion. Am I a horibble person?

From GoldinUniverse.

Name: Akira
Date: 11/27/2009
Colorgenics Number: 21076453

You are a very sensitive person and you try hard (perhaps a little too hard) to make favourable impressions and to be recognised by your peers. But you have that inherent need to feel appreciated and admired and you are easily hurt if all of your endeavours go by unappreciated or not acknowledged. Stop trying so hard.

The way things are you are under considerable stress and you feel that there is little hope of matters righting themselves. Everyone about you seems to aggravate the problem even more. You feel that at this time you need to be alone and you are right - move back and give yourself a chance to breathe.

You are a perfectionist in everything that you put your hand to. You are demanding and very exacting in the standards you apply to your choice of colleagues and friends -perhaps you demand too much from people. That perfection you seek in a particular person is illusive - perhaps it does not even exist.

You are experiencing extreme frustration at this point of time, trying to achieve security and peace of mind, but whatever you seem to do doesn't effect the situation. You are worn out and your energy is being seriously depleted. You may be experiencing what is known as 'heartache' - both mentally and physically. You are a listener and you listen and respond to everything that is going on around you. You feel that all that life has to offer should be within your grasp and you would like to participate in every part of it but the situation is such that every door seems to be closed to you. You just can't understand why that is. But it is - and what's more you feel powerless to change it.

Overwork - be it mental stress or physical strain, you are completely worn out and this depleted vitality has created an intolerance for any further stimulation. You feel disappointed with your obvious lack of energy and powerless to do anything about it. You are angry with yourself and this frustration shows. You are contradictory and argumentative and feel helpless to change the situation at this time. Take a break - even if it is only for a few days - allow yourself to breath, to unwind - you'll feel much better for it. Then trust and let go.

_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________

LOL I'm really just one big psycho case.

This is a story of how a girl got into an accident and using pieces of herself is recreated by her parents using technology. And this is how she deals with her own humanity (or inhumanity).

I think that this book was alright. There were moments when I thought that the book would turn Twilight-esque but it doesn't. I like the way that the book reflects the thoughts. I think I would have thought in a similar way as Jenna did. And that makes it believeable. It makes Jenna Fox human despite all. It might have had a too perfect ending in the end but it's also enough to convince me. But in the end I wonder to myself, is Ethan really ok with a teenage wife for the rest of his life. Is Kayla ok with a teenage mother for the rest of her life? Is Alyss ok with being alone? With no Ethan by her side? Wasn't she ever envious of Jenna and Ethan? And what was Dane's deal anyway? There is a story for him but it's incomplete. What was he trying to do?

And she never went on to what other possibilities that could happen. If Jenna was acceptable, why not make superhumans? Why not make the decision to change yourself when you're fully healthy?

Why do they live at the same place for 200 years? Wouldn't she have traveled instead? Like the vampires, I wonder how she could stay with someone for 200 years. So many road could have been tread but it doesn't matter. The end that came was a truly optimistic one despite all the dark sides and pitfalls that could have been. It's an optimistic view.

Funny enough, it reminds me a lot of the Uglies series, it has the same feel but a different dimension. I think we should read more of these books. For so long people have been predicting the future in science. And now, that world is slowly coming true. And it's up to this generation to shape it. And as we've seen the possibility of viral idea's, idea's can truly change the world. So the books, the stories, can really change things as we know it.

PS: Must dig out Nancy Farmer book and read it.

It doen't matter, emotions. Feelings.

In a cold world. A world of rational thoughts. A world of science and logic. There is no such thing as sentiments and fantasy. There is no place for it, this irregularity. There is no rationality, no link between its creation and its being. No reason for it other than... it's own reason.
There is no set of probabilities that apply. There no logical prediction. You can't say that it will happen. Or that it will not happen. No will, no rhyme nor reason. We'd never know how it happened.

There are just so many within its spectrum. In every language, in every form. In words, in movement, in touch. In stories, in movies, in song. So many types, and yet, like an endless stream, there is always more.

Love. Hate. Happiness. Sadness. Calmness. Excitement. Anger. Hopeful. Anxiety.

It could be, it could not be. It may and it may not. The coin under the cup. The red pill or the blue pill. Schrodinger's cat.

It what makes us human I suppose.

 I have no doubts that I am your regular run-in-the-mill youth. This is fact is severely highlighted with the fact that I'm nowhere on top of the game. I'm in a University that never name it to the top 100. I'm not even the best in my class. I may have big dreams but so do many other people. I get riled up by many things that I believe are wrong. I strongly disagree on discrimination and closed minds. I strongly disagree on war and abuse and child prositution.  

Strange things happen to people everyday but sometimes people just brush it off anyway and go on with their lives like nothing had happened at all. As if it was no miracle, no omen, nothing.  Like lightbulbs exploding for no reason. Like friends suddenly appearing when you least expect it. Like the car crash or explosion that was so close by. We live in the shuttered blinds of our lives never knowing more than what we know. Never seeing more than what we see. Oblivious to the links and signs that make up the lines of fate and destiny. But to err is to be human. And human is what I am.

I spoke to lala yesterday yesterday night. I haven't spoken to her for a long long long time. But there was something really really special that night. (Other than  discovering Youtube video's of James McAvoy). I talked to lala as I rarely talked before, seeing introspections of my life that on some level I deduced and understood but had never been spoken out or written as I had said it to her. I wish could remember all that I said. I don't recall acurately about what I talked about. Some of it was about friends, boyfriends, studying and my situation right now, I'd write them up sometime later I suppose. Just yesterday I watched Tron (in event of the new Tron Legecy that is coming out next year). It was released in 1982 and I think it's so cool how they thought it all up! I can't wait to see how Tron Legecy looks like! (But it's so funny how I thought the circuitboard was like a city. And in Tron it is! :D)

But despite the fact that I'm actually bogged down by work and exams and societies and projects I still find myself going out. Going off tangent. Going to places. It might be a good thing... But it might be really bad too. But not here.

;)

*signs off*

 No wonder people really really love Notting Hill. It's horribly endearing. There are just so many times that I almost seem to tear up. I really really like this. 

 I have not written for quite a while now. (echoes: For quite a while, for quite a while) And today, a Friday, I could do anything I want in the morning. And so I woke up (and prayed) and studied Japanese. (Note: Tae Kim's guide is a good one!)

 I think I fooled around long enough. Playing voyeur and irritant on Facebook. But before I start working I have to share some things.

 I have questioned myself again and again about my goals and motivations. What makes me do the things I do, what makes me feel the way I feel. But one thing I never truly questioned was why. Why was I feeling the way I do? I do not question this because there is no answer for it. None that I know at least. It may lead to questions of the very essence of being human. Happiness and sadness. It may lead to questions of how I've been brought up, the very essence of my being, my personality. There may have been dabbles of fate and chance. Or it could be nothing at all. What I do is not a big deal.

(I start from when Jean-Baptiste is hired by the perfumier.)

The arrogance of the man is overwhelming. He an old and great man. He is a great perfumier that has worked his craft for years. And yet when he see's this dirty young man professing to know how to make perfume (and having the best nose in the world) and proving it to him, the boy is treated with the worst and rudest of manner.  But then he is used. Used to get the formulae's of so many beautiful perfumes.  

There's a reason why I am enamoured with the arts. I am totally and irrevocaly in love with my books, my music, my movies and comic books. Living it (to me) is a life worth living. A life worth the pain, the horror and (at times) the mere torture of breathing. The emotions they evoke, the thoughts they present, the very idea of creating stirs my very soul. This is why I want to be here. This is why I am.