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I know some people think that they can control emotions. They can manipulate themselves to feel only the good things, the generous things, the saintly things. But I don't feel like I can control them when they come to me as things happen. When people, events trigger them to full blossson. And I am overtaken by that feeling. It's my chemical reaction, my original self, and I can't not feel it as is comes.
The problem is, they're not always good feelings. There are times when I can't myself from feeling the bad things. I can't help feeling jealous when I am, hopeless when I am, and when I'm angry or hurt, I just feel it. And I have been learning to accept it. It's always better than denying it, I'd never be able to fix myself. Then I have to deal with it.
And right now, in the darkness of the deep sorrows of my lonely heart, I am trying to deal with absence and hurt. I'm trying to deal with my unreasonable anger. I feel like my hopes are shattered, my heart bruised, and I want to cry. I hate losing friends, and when I lose it in this distant kind of way, it hurts so much more. I'm not cut off completely. I'm still invited for some few minor things. But more often than not, I'm not invited at all. And nobody has to say anything. I just seem to know, like a secret language I once learnt and forgotten. I know you have secrets. I know you have more moments than I could ever imagine. I know your lives are entertwined so completely, you'd never let a day pass without each other. I know you're there for each other everyday, supporting each other. I know, because I was once there before. And I miss it.
I'm not sure what I want right now. I don't know if I want you all to just leave me alone with my pain, or just grin and bear it anyway. I love you all so much and I want to be there and show that I care. But I can't do that while hiding away to nurse my own pain. I'll just have to bear it and go on. Maybe one day, I'll still be there and it's okay to view from afar. I'll be satisfied with that.
You are trying to evade your problems and difficulties and tensions by 'leaping before you look'. (I am REALLY doing this. Impromptu book buys? Trip to Singapore?) This could be construed as a 'panic' situation and panic is an irrational fear - 'loss of control'. You are desperately seeking a way out of it all and because of any headstrong decisions that you may be making this could lead to an extremely dangerous situation. (Fucking phone.) Slow down - matters seem to find a way of resolving themselves. Without sounding complacent remember that 'all's well that ends well'. (I hope so. =S)
Always anxious to accept the role of the leader, as indeed you often work well with people - but try to stay out of the limelight. (I don't really think I was IN it in the first place.) You'd like a life of ease with no one to rock the boat and someone who understands you is so important in your life. (Well who wouldn't want that?)
You lack confidence and that is a great pity because deep down you are indeed a warm caring person. This lack of confidence is making you wary of being drawn into any open discussion or conflict and so you feel as if you should let matters lie and leave well alone. But there may be a pleasant surprise in store for you. You are beginning to grow and very soon - sooner than you believed possible - this warm loving new you will be available for all to see and to appreciate. (oh?)
For whatever the reason, you find it extremely difficult to sustain relationships - that is to sustain them in the manner that you would wish. You are a very gentle sort of person, full of feeling, sensitivity and susceptible to love and affection, looking and longing for a partner with whom you can enjoy 'All things bright and beautiful' - someone with whom you can seek out the more esoteric things of life. But up to now this person has only existed in your imagination. You are very choosy, appreciative, refined and extremely artistic in temperament and it is your hope to seek others who will allow you to form and express your own taste and judgement and who at the same time may assist you in your intellectual or artistic growth. (We'll see. I feel like an idiot in the meantime though.)
Perhaps in the distant past your trust and belief in your fellow man was misplaced and you can now no longer accept anything as it appears to be. You are untrusting and you insist that before you commit yourself to anything, you examine the pro's and con's with critical discrimination. The situation has now progressed to one where you are apt to disagree yet not make any form of constructive criticism to every suggestion that may be put to you. As a result you are in limbo. There is a saying that goes 'The past does not equal tomorrow'. Think about it - and let go. (It's a bit hard at the moment. *sigh*)
From colorgenics.
- Location:B306
- Mood:Rain
- Music:Kings of Leon
True enough, it proceeded to rain all morning, till the afternoon. Throughout all this time she stays in her apartment, going through the motions of life. She slept, she ate, she made occasional trips to the toilet. But most of the time she's in front of her computer. And she's not there at all. She's at a concert in New York 20 years ago. She's fighting dragons in a land she doesn't know. She's falling in love with a handsome, mysterious soul. She'd looking at odd spoons, cloches and a type of cigar. She's tweaking the technology that hasn't been invented yet. However, no matter how amazing the other world is, she is keenly aware that she still has real life to live. Her physical reality still dominated her existance. There, she felt more, and it mattered more. And in there, she is lonely and depressed. She is a failure. And she doesn't know what to do with herself. She knew that she could climb. But it took so much effort and she doesn't want to work. That's how she failed, that's how she got fat. And she doesn't know if it was ever going to change.
She is going to take a nap.
- Location:B306
- Mood:Rainy
- Music:Kings of Leon
You are the sort of person that needs a peaceful environment. You seek release from stress and freedom from conflicts and disagreements, of which you seem to have had more than your fair share. But you are taking pains to control the situation by proceeding cautiously and you are right in doing so as you are a very sensitive person. (Heh. So sensitive. More than I thought I was.) You are totally dissatisfied with your present situation. Matters are not going right for you and you are seeking a means of escape. Your mental state of mind necessitates that you need to change your thinking patterns. Remember, if one particular modus operandi doesn't seem to work, then try something different. (Haha. I juuust tried it. I feel relaxed already! Yay!) You give the impression that you are a self-sufficient individual, pretending that you are stoical - indifferent to pain or pleasure. But this is not so, for in truth you are an extremely emotional person, one that may make hasty decisions and perhaps repent at leisure. (This has thrown me in A LOT of shit. When would I learn to THINK? I'm not sure. *sigh*) It is time now perhaps to break the bond of detachment and become the real 'you' - the you that you would like to be. (I'm not sure of what this is anymore. But it sure does sound real good. But who with? I don't feel like I have anybody.) All of the stress and strains resulting from disappointment have led to agitation and anxiety. You have been going out of your way to make a good impression, but you have reservations as to the likelihood of succeeding. (I've been doing it so much I feel like a fucking puppet. But as far as I see, it really isn't working. Today, I feel utterly alone.) You feel that you have a right to accomplish all that you set your mind on but you have become helpless and distressed when circumstances have gone against you. The idea of failure is most upsetting and this can even mean utter dejection. (I DON'T want to faaail.) You see yourself as a scapegoat and you feel everyone in your sphere of influence has tried to take undue advantage of you.(Huh?) You are trying to convince yourself that your failure to achieve standing and recognition is not of your making but indeed of those around you. (Oh, might have been doing this a bit. Fuck.) Since in the recent past all of your hopes and aspirations have been denied you, (Like studying overseas? Haha.) you are now convinced that the future will hold nothing but anxiety so therefore 'why bother?' You would love to get away from it all, to escape from the trials and tribulations of this mundane existence and fall into a peaceful and harmonious relationship, which will protect you from the lack of appreciation and give you the chance to start afresh. (This is actually becoming increasingly true. I do want some mythical perfect friends that would just want me and love me and I could love them back safely. But I don't. And that's that.) By colorgenics.
Enough is enough - you feel frustrated and rejected. (Out of all the days. I feel this. Today, as the day of the failed breakfast) You are fighting back and the going is tough. It would be just wonderful if you could be left in peace. (Kind of... heh.) You are finding the present situation extremely demanding and you're having difficulty coping with it. A great deal of strain is involved and you would really like everyone and everything to leave you alone for a while, just so that you can put everything into perspective. (I'm not reaaal sure where this is coming from. But yeah, studies are sucking the life outta me. But I don't think this badly. The breakfast thing is still affecting meeeee.) At times all of us would like to be like the ostrich - to be able to bury our heads in the sand and let the rest of the world go by, (I DID this. For quite a while. For a very long time actually. Especially at stressed out moments) but unfortunately you can't do just that - you have to face up to reality. A little peace and quiet would be most acceptable at this time but if only one could turn a blind eye to the problems of the day! Tomorrow is another day and who knows, it could be 'today' (not tomorrow) that could be the first day of the rest of your life! For some time now your hopes and expectations have been denied and because of this you are becoming withdrawn and introverted. Continual disappointment has manifested itself in you becoming both suspicious and restrained you have become withdrawn from others and have receded more and more into yourself. You seem to have lost your innate enthusiasm and imaginative nature, for fear that you may be carried away by it only to find that you are wasting your time. (I have been worried. I have been worried that I have no talent at ALL. Despite the fact that I'm trying out soooo many new things. I don't know if it's worth it. If I'm worth trying out for. Or I'm just one talentless piece of garbage and I should just dig a hole for myself and die.) You are loath to trust people, as in the past your trust has been misplaced. You seem to be keeping yourself cautiously aloof from others. At this moment in time your attitude is to trust nobody - until they can prove themselves to you. (Fuck, this hits home HARD. I DON'T trust anyone. Mostly because I KNOW they DON'T care. Never as much as I do about them. Otherwise, they'd tell me and want me there for them as well. But more often then not, I just don't cross their minds.) At this time you don't particularly like yourself. (I HATE myself) Everything that you have tried to do seems to have gone wrong. (LOL. I can't get an apartment. And my "friendships" didn't grow. They just stagnated.) This makes you feel that there is no point in trying to start again. (Unless it's with friends lah. That would be quite screwed up. Or studies. It's a bit too late, no?) Apart from being stressed and tense, you are angry with yourself and have unadmitted self-contempt. Your refusal to admit that you and you alone is the basic cause of your problems leads to you adopting a headstrong and defiant attitude. (I accept it. But if I don't do anyting about it, I'm still in the wrong, no?) If you take stock of yourself, smile a little and let go, everything will turn out OK. Have you not heard of the cliche 'smile and the world smiles with you - cry and you cry alone!'? (Let go? Was I holding on to something in the first place? Hmm.) From colorgenics.
I wish someone wanted me as much as I want someone to be there. I wish there are more late night outings and soul revelations. I wish of warmth and care that would fill up the gaping hole of my darkest hours.
I wish I had more.
Fooled. Shunted. Discarded. Malicious.
You still have to wait and see the rest of the flowers bloom.
Oh gosh, it was lovely, the time. But like this dying flower, it IS going to pass and my memory will wither. But for now, it's here. Everyone is here. Until we have to part again. What a pain.
The problem with my heart is that it Malfunctions from time to time. I find myself feeling like I've been forgotten. All I see is sad and lonely. Honestly, I'm feeling down and Inferior. And I can't deny it because I've been feeling Left Out. The more it happens the more I think I'm being Left Behind. And no matter how much I try to run and ditract myself, I can't escape the confines of my paranoid mind. So, I'm riding the wave, till I feel adequete about myself again.
